"If you are going to wait for your friend to come pick you up then go wait somewhere else.. I don't want you standing at the end of my driveway where I have to look out and see you" I closed the door on him sending my last regards as he grabbed his bags up off my driveway and proceeded to walk away down the street. It was not even two days ago we met for the first time, we hit it off, his name was Ahmed, he was Eighteen years old going on nineteen. He came into my life to change me and god knows for whatever reasons that may be, for me it is too soon to say if he changed me for the better because I am still too upset about it. It's not easy when you have someone who comes into your life and shapes you and makes you feel like you are flawless even when my flaws were very apparent he made it seem unnoticable.
His smile,
His laughter..
and the way we bonded and connected all these small things were inexplicable differences and yet little did I know it would be one of the reasons I could never hold on to him and also one of the reasons that made it that much more difficult to let go of him. The week or two prior to Ahmed coming down to St. Catharines from Mississauga, Ontario. Ahmed and I had ongoing communication on msn, we talked about everything, my past experiences and he shared me his stories that were happening in his life and never have I before experienced such a strange flight sensation like this man was tailored made for me yet this new strange warm sensation could not prepare me for the cold front setting in. He arrived on a Thursday night. At around 7pm(ish) I recieved a knock (DOORBELL?) coming from my front door. My roommate Jeremy answered the door before me. All I heard was "Bryan, are you expecting someone?" I charged to the door where I set eyes on the most beautiful boy I had ever seen in my life. Never had I fallen for such a boy since my first crush on Travis K (when I was in grade seven, or eight?) that friendship with travis ended because he was a homophobic loser.
Anyways here was this beautiful young eighteen year old boy
who travelled all the way from his city of missisauga
with his gay friend Stewie who drove Ahmed to see me. Stewie brought his little yappy chihuahua who would not shut up and of course my other roommate Jenny's dog Diseasal came outside with me where he sniffed butts with Stewart's dog while I attempted to break the uneasy silence with some casual conversation about weather but really I just wanted to make quick conversation so I could get inside and have actual time to get acquainted with him. We talked for a while he showed me his acer laptop and I laughed because I thought it was cute that me and him had almost similar laptops.
Ahmed, how to describe him?
well since it's all over and in the past (I kid, I still think about him constantly)
so it's a bit easier to discuss it openly about it. Although the hardest physical feature for me to describe the most is his eyes. I once saw in his eyes a burning desire to know and understand me. He was sweet, fair, patient yet very persistant and determined on having what he wanted and getting what he wanted out of life. In his own way he made it clear he wanted me yet apparently I was too blind to see he was trying (this according to him) and apparently by failing to see his attempts made me the worst person known to man or so he would have it be known that I am the worst... in his own delusional mind maybe.. I mean, I clearly didn't know whether to trust him and even after having explained my relationship issues I had in the past, he failed to see and grasp the understanding that guys have declared all sorts of dire interests to know me yet not one of them has ever truly meant what they say.
Anyways, we continued to sit and chat, I sat on my computer chair across from him who was sitting on my bed making himself comfy and taking things out of his weekend bag. He had his clothes, hair/shower products and he even handed me a Dove conditioner he had gotten the choice to pick one out of two promotional products at the movie theatre that he worked at. So he chose the mini bottles of Dove conditioner and gave me a bottle to keep. It was fair to say that things were already starting out so great. After we talked for a bit I proposed the idea that we go for a walk while it was still semi light out. We walked out of my room then down the hallway and down the stairs out the door. It was getting a bit dark and it was a little cool out, we were not even yet down the street or past four houses and already he had my hand owned in his. Needless to say our hands did not quite match evenly with one another. my hand much smaller more dainty than his, his hands were firm, stronger and felt very assuring when holding mine. I felt safe and secure in this time frame yet the very pessismistic side of me held too much back from him, finding security made room for more to become more vulnerable, often times I wonder if this newfound security really made me feel more vulnerable or how much apart of me did I create for myself because I truly bought into the belief that I was much weaker than others, though Ahmed kept reinforcing me to be strong reinforce that I am strong but by the ends he had me believe that I was nothing.
We continued on down my street of Stonegate and we headed towards the third park behind Applewood elementary school, we sat at the playground which was graffitied by a bunch of kids over the years there was several attempts to remove it but every time I return there is more graffiti there than the last time but that's no sign that the kids in and around the area are getting any brighter with their personal graffiti stylized butchery, infact if there was any actual style at all maybe I would consider it art even if hateful, but this was pointless. so Ahmed and I sat at the top of the playground gazing up at the stars that were coming out as the night sky grew darker. We talked about beliefs, i told him how I believed a bit in reincarnation and he said he believed in it as well. He told me that when he dies he was going to come back as a rabbit. I laughed and thought it was cute, he held me with his arms wrapped around me tightly and kept me warm. I can't begin to describe the sensation that came with being really wanted by someone other than my chosen friends and family. There are not a lot of things in this world I stand for or believe in but I believe things are meant to pass us by for whatever ryhme or reason that case may be so it's just meant to be. I learned this....
What stays, what comes, what goes
it's all really all the same questions because they all lead to one determined road/answer,
what comes next? where do we go from here? is it my fault?the pessisimistic worrier fiends on his worries and for me that worry grew more massive especially since I met Ahmed, I worried that eventually he would leave me to head home back to Mississauga and even though I knew it was only inevitable that he would leave me to go home but that wasn't the part that had me most afraid, what had me was the idea of not actually having him beside me but it would become a natural progressing feeling for me.
After hanging out at the park for ever how long we were there til (a bit foggy with time references) 10pm then we made our way over to the Avondale (at the plaza on the corner of Rockwood Ave, and Woodrow) We walked along the sidewalk towards the store and it was very dark out. Ahmed held my hand as we walked down the street. We heard a voice yelling in the distance cutting us off as we were walking. "BRRRYAAAN!" I quickly looked around to see if I knew who was calling for me but no face and I could not recall who it was until ... I saw a face, it was Jeremy and his friend Dan (the bad Dan that nobody likes) the two of them were drunk faced and it showed, apparently Jeremy made a move on my friend who worked at the Avondale, surpisingly nobody heeds my advice when it comes to douchebag men because now they somehow are friends lmfao, but I digress, what happens next is we leave Dan and Jeremy to go inside the avondale to get some pop, chips and other crap. We walked in and my friend Crystal was washing up the floors and she approached us excited to see us together or probably just excited to see me with any MAN at all. she said "Hey Bryan, how goes it? So is this your little friend?" and of course to her I replied "Yes this is my friend his name is Ahmed" and then him and I continued to browse around the aisles on a quest to satisfy my craving. I picked up some Orange soda, some chips and an energy drink. We left the store headed home where we listened to music, laughed, he showed me his favorite songs from his playlist on his laptop and I showed him my favorites. A song came on I can remember the lyrics to Macy Gray's song "I try" the lyrics went something like,
"I try to walk away and I stumble, though I try to hide it, it's clear my world crumbles when you are not near" and I can remember singing this song with Ahmed and the feeling that came with this bonding. I asked him if he was at all ticklish and he said "no" but that proved to be wrong, I attempted to tickle him and laughed and then we proceeded to settle a score with a pillow fight that ended up with me ontop of him trying to hold him down and he was not even budging to move at all, he just froze there and let me take over.
For once here was a guy who gave me all control, all the power and freedom to let me do what I want with him and yet there was no guilt, no shame and it felt absolutely right and I knew he could feel it too. Every time I went to tickle him he would let out a gut-busting laugh that sounded so sweet and innocent. After horsing around on my bed and listening to tunes we decided to go for another walk, I was already excited to show Ahmed the places that I been and places where I grew up. I thought maybe... maybe if I pin-pointed out all the trademarks that have made me then maybe he would be the first to really, really understand me in truth. So we headed for the walk back down my street towards the school, we turned right off Stonegate and on to Woodrow, walked towards the store but we turned another right and headed down Rockwood Ave and kept going towards the
Canal Lock 3 nearest to the St. Catharines Museum, we walked by my moms house in a circle on Fred Fischer, a newly made street that comes off Rockwood Ave. When we came to close to my moms house, the rain was coming down heavy. Ahmed saw my face was wet and out of nowhere he pulls out a napkin, or tissue of some sort and he wipes my eyes and face clearing me of any rain. I said, "Why did you do that?" to which he said "You were sweating so I had to wipe your face" and at that moment I sensed not just a sweet and amazing guy but I also sensed a great provider, someone whom would be there for me to protect me from harm as well. There is one thing a man like me needs, it's love, and the re-assurance that I am needed. We headed to the Canal and walked up the stairs at the back of the museum and went up and gazed up at the ships crossing by.
I told Ahmed how I used to come up there a lot and watch the ships float pass me, curiously I wished I could just jump off here and onto a ship as it moved on through, if it beats staying here of course I would take the chance and leap onto the ship and leave yet I stressed to Ahmed I would never do that kind of thing, it's who I was at that exact point all I felt was excited to be spending time with someone I liked, no thoughts slipped in my mind ... too soon to give it this much thought although earlier on before he came even then I was anxious to meet him face to face. After the canal we went back to my house on Stonegate, we set up in my bedroom, i brought out my laptop and showed him a movie I really liked that I had just watched recently called
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch", we watched that and cuddled in bed, both in our clothes pretty much, he was in his underwear me as well but shirtless me and him not so much and that was how it went down during the course of his short stay with me. After falling asleep with him beside me, I felt so secure and safe though I later found out safety cannot be measured in numbers and safety could not be measured in moments when he was safely asleep, safety cannot be measured in hotness or coldness of temperature and yet it's these warm fragile moments, right here and right now that force and entice us into self-destruct mode when you get a little bit or in my case a lot of attention from someone then ever little bit is amazing but then failing to recognize and see it sooner or perhaps saying the wrong thing and it's too late to take it back.
Friday morning I woke up, the sunlight leaking through my bedroom window, it was going to be a nice and warm July Friday, I got up and crawled over Ahmed who was still sound asleep and I just crawled over him to get on my computer to check my facebook and all I can remember is turning back and looking at Ahmed sleeping and I was pretty sure he was snoring but still it was cute. I felt a little weird watching him sleep but at the same time just taking everything around me in. Ahmed eventually woke up, I already had showered and now Ahmed was getting up to go shower, after we are both ready we proceeded to leave. we walked towards an Avondale store off some street that goes onto Glendale Ave, so we just went to the Avondale i bought him a bottle of water and bought myself an energy drink, we sat outside where it was warm the entire time Ahmed bragged about how great life was in Mississauga, personally i was getting tired of that side of him and him always comparing St. Catharines as "little town" when in fact that's quite the contrary from the actual truth of it. Ahmed and I walked down Glendale towards the new Scotia Bank that recently opened up. We got there and Ahmed took out some cash and then we left to head home because we were going to go to a
Beatles tribute concert at ZOOZ, so we went with my dad and his girlfriend, they picked up around 6-7 (?) then we went on our way into the show, it was now Friday night and we got in, the entire time Ahmed and I walked around holding onto one another, I was trying to find my two friends Amanda Fegan and Lindsay Sawatsky, I had no luck finding them until at the end of the show when I ran into them in the Parking lot, there they were. Later I found out that Amanda said to Lindsay "Is that not the happiest you ever seen Bryan?" and to which Lindsay agreed.
There was more than truth to that, I did like Ahmed a lot and he was the first thing to make my life truly happy in the longest time but like I said when you have nothing and then finally get a bit of something good then it sets you up because now your always going to think you will never do or find better because you draw from comparison but at this point I couldn't compare Ahmed to anyone I have been with before because before him I had never really had any serious boyfriend... so in a way Ahmed really was the first actual thing that came close to fulfilling that 'happy' side of me that I had been missing, this will later serve again as
IRONY for realizing now how happy he really made me, the ironic part is that I realize it on so many levels but either way I look at it I still missed the best thing because I mistook so many things for things they weren't and I wouldn't let things drop when I should have and in a way I still say my needy-ness had much of a part to play for pushing him off the edge, maybe if I stopped asking him where the relationship was going and where him and I were at then maybe I would have kept him around a lot longer than I had, but in all fairness he was only down visiting me for three days and then going home and the last thing I should have been doing was questioning where it would lead when neither of us knew where we would end up but even still... is it not worth a chance to try and see? still... my heart and his trust/faith would then have to be put into question because of the distance, I know I would never change my feeling but it was my uneaseness towards waiting on someone else to return to me that struck the hardest chord with me.
The show was really good despite the band screwing up the beginning of the song 'Come Together' and I recall holding Ahmed ontop of the hill, holding onto this moment wanting it to last forever...after the show my dad drove us back to my house and me and Ahmed we were talked to coming in the backyard to hangout with Jeremy and his friends and roast hotdogs over a fire. We went inside where me and Ahmed had a heart to heart discussion about my feelings of total insecurity and my need for someone like him to make me happy...
